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( ´∀｀ ) < Nullpo

(You can google this one, too long to explain)

Translated by: ME

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Back to An-chan's POV

*****

Once she finished her story, Hana-chan took a sip of her now completely cold tea.

There were so many things I wanted to nitpick. Far too many, in fact—I was in a state of not knowing where to even begin. However, there was one thing I wanted to confirm above all else.

「So... Hana-san, your parents are alive, then?」

「Yes.」

Hana-chan nodded with a smile at my question.

Thank goodness! I’d been wondering how a "friendless and alone heroine" would be handled in this sloppily-constructed world of the Sei-Sene Kingdom!

I am, after all, the daughter of a Marquis. I’m a stranger to life’s hardships. Both my parents are alive and well. Since I’m the type of lady who has never known struggle, I always worry about how to interact with someone who has suffered a family tragedy.

「The other Floras' parents are alive, too. They pop up in the photos my mom sends me every now and then.」

Even more relief!

「Also, there’s something I want you to see, Ann-san...」

As she spoke, Hana-chan rummaged through the small bag she had kept on her lap.

「This is it...」

What she pulled out was a slip of paper. I peered at the scrap as she slid it across the table toward me.

Ugh, English...?

It seemed to be a clipping from a newspaper or something from the Rice Empire. English characters were lined up in a long row.

Hana-chan said she was Eiken Grade 4, but I actually held a Grade 3. I was forced to take it during English class. If I had failed, I would’ve had to attend makeup lessons during my holidays, so I crammed like my life depended on it and somehow passed. Naturally, that knowledge blew away into the far reaches of oblivion the moment the exam ended.

Now, I have a full-blown English allergy. Once, when a foreigner asked me for directions in English, I froze up so hard they started worrying about me. After I got home and thought about it calmly, I slumped in dejection realizing that middle-school-level English would have been more than enough to handle it...

I momentarily recoiled with a "Ugh" from my useless allergic reaction, but I decided to look at the paper calmly.

There was a photograph. It was a monochrome print and quite grainy, showing a group of about ten men smiling and bustling together. But as I looked closer, my expression turned serious.

What is this photo?

Several of the men in the picture appeared to be covered in mud or something from the head down. Everyone had a hibiscus-like lei around their neck. Furthermore, those who weren't covered in mud wore cheap-looking necklaces with a "?" on them.

No, it can't be... Surely not...

Above the photo was a headline in large letters:

If you win, you're in heaven. If you lose, you're in hell.

According to my Eiken Grade 3 brain, the translation was: 「もし勝ったなら天国に。もし負けたなら地獄に。」

Just below the headline, in slightly smaller letters, it read: Intelligence, physical strength, and the luck!

「That was sent to me by my mother. My father is in it. Apparently, looking at the date on the newspaper, this happened the very day my father’s group landed in the Rice Empire.」

Hana-chan gave a sigh and continued.

「Also, my mother says she heard from my father that on the ship to the Rice Empire, there was a written test with four hundred questions.」

Good grief!! A four-hundred-question paper quiz! And people covered in mud...!

An announcement suddenly started playing in my head. Yes. It was the exact translation of that English phrase. Well, not just the translation—it was the source material. The voice, of course, was Tome-san.

「"Win and it’s heaven, lose and it’s hell"...」

As I muttered it under my breath, Hana-chan nodded and finished the line.

「"Intelligence, physical strength, and the luck of the draw."」

Yes, this is nothing other than that nostalgic quiz show, Trans-America Ultra Quiz! The "?" necklaces hanging from their necks were the "Winner's Proof" given to those who passed a round.

「You don't mean... they did a Trans-Rice-Empire Quiz!?」

「Apparently, they did... and that's why they're late coming home...」

「Are they stupid!?」

I was mainly referring to the Rice Empire officials!

「There was actually a formal letter from the Empire's side saying, 'We plan to hold a recreation event of this nature, so the return schedule will be around this date.'」

Oh, so they did communicate properly.

「That letter was just excavated from a mountain of documents at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs about two months ago...」

They were stupid—it was our own country’s officials!!

The intent behind the project, apparently, was that the Rice Empire had devised something called the "Trans-Empire Ultra Quiz Tour" as a "new tourist attraction." However, someone from the Tourism Planning Department supposedly argued that "inside jokes feel cringey to outsiders."

...Just which "inside" were they popular with? A Japanese TV station...?

So, they decided to test it on outsiders first! And just then, the inspection request from the shopping district group arrived at the perfect time.

"Isn't this it!? This is the one!" the tourism planners over there must have thought, and they practically ambushed the unsuspecting group, selecting them as testers for the "Trans-Continental Quiz."

「...I am so jealous!」

The words slipped out.

I won't hide it (not that I was trying to)—my childhood dream in my past life was to appear on that quiz show. It required intelligence, physical strength, and luck, but if you won, the TV station would pay for your trip to America. Even if landing on the American mainland was hard, I thought I could at least make it to Guam! I had watched it on TV with such longing.

But by the time I became an adult, the show had already ended...

The recession... it was the recession's fault!!

Feeling a gaze on me, I looked up from the photo I had been devouring with my eyes to find Hana-chan staring at me intently.

Wait, what...? Could it be that Hana-chan has fallen for me...!? (Thump-thump)

Hana-chan, her eyes slightly moist, let out a small breath while still staring at me.

「Thank goodness...」

Eh? What?

「The fact that you immediately understood that photo as a parody of that show... means you aren't a 'sixteen-year-old girl born in the late Heisei era☆ who got hit by a truck on the way home from school and woke up in a mysterious world! What's going to happen to me~!?' kind of person...」

Hana-chan spoke in a slightly relieved tone.

Well, yes. By the late Heisei era, I was a full-grown adult. Heck, I was already an old lady. And it wasn't a fatal accident or anything; it was likely just a natural lifespan. Though I did die of an illness.

「...As you’ve guessed, I was born in the Showa era...」

Sorry I’m not young!

But Hana-chan smiled happily and reached out her right hand.

「Same here. Showa era. I was worried about how I would even talk to you if you were in your teens, so I'm glad.」

True, that makes sense.

I gripped the hand Hana-chan offered with a firm Gashyi! Hana-chan squeezed back just as strongly.

From an old lady's perspective, young kids are a bit "incomprehensible." Finding someone of an age where we can actually communicate is nothing short of a blessing in this nonsensical isekai.

Gripping my hand tightly, Hana-chan let out another breath.

「And to think we’re fellow dreamers who yearned for that show...!」

「I knew I couldn’t make it to New York, but I thought maybe I could at least reach Guam...!」

「I probably wouldn't have been able to get off the plane in Guam, but I wanted to do Rock-Paper-Scissors at Narita...!」

Hana-chan, why are all your goals so low!?

I’m pretty sure you could go to Narita Airport normally on your own dime... though I don't know what you'd do there.

Hana-chan and I chatted about our past lives for a bit, and we concluded that we were roughly the same age. We were both being vague about our actual birth years, so we didn't know for sure.

Like how, in that anime about a girl who doesn't care about her freckles, Hana-chan was on Team Great-Uncle while I was a standard Team Prince fan. Or whether it was Seiko-chan or Akina.

We bonded over those topics for a while and became somewhat close.

When I said I was happy we could become friends, Hana-chan flashed a cynical, shadowed, nihilistic smile.

「A woman's friendship is, after all, more fragile than a cover glass...」

What happened to you in your past life!?

And isn't that friendship a bit too fragile!? Also, "cover glass"—I haven't heard that term in ages!

I remembered breaking tons of cover glasses during experiments making slices of balsam stems... and failing to cut the balsam properly, producing mountains of trash. I recalled those useless things.

Anyway, putting the balsam aside.

「Hana-san, you mentioned that 'Shop Rank' and 'Reputation Rank' behave differently than they did in the game.」

「Yes. Well, if you think about it, it really couldn't be any other way... Ann-san, try to remember the initial state of the 'Shop' in the game.」

Initial state...

「A 3x3 grid of nine squares, one 1x2 refrigerated case, and the case capacity was five items...」

Wasn't that it? Well, that was for the butcher shop.

「Yes. In my case, that’s right. From there, you could expand the store according to your rank, but...」

Hana-chan took a sip of tea and let out a small breath.

「You’ve seen my house, so I think you understand... there are already buildings on both sides of it, right?」

「There were.」

Due to building coverage ratios, there was a gap of a few dozen centimeters between the houses, but they were lined up so tightly you could say they were "densely packed."

「To expand the shop from there... you’d have to buy the neighbor’s land, wouldn't you? But in reality, isn't that quite difficult?」

「True...」

It would mean asking people already living there to vacate. That’s a pretty high hurdle.

「In the game, there was only one background still, so the absurdity of 'the storefront stays the same, but the inside gets bigger and bigger' was allowed to pass.」

「...If you tried to do that in reality, you'd need a robotic cat or something.」

「Exactly.」

In the game, you could eventually expand the shop to an 8x8 grid. But indeed, if you translated that to reality and tried to expand the premises that much, it would be almost impossible. Plus, while expansion funds didn't cost that much in the game, land prices in the Royal Capital Shopping District are quite high. If you were to buy the neighboring lot... the amount suggested in the game wouldn't even come close.

「There are several of these 'discrepancies between the game and reality.' So, I think it’s better to assume that game parameters aren't reliable at all.」

Hah... I see...

Unlike me, who was just casually watching events, Hana-chan, being the reincarnated heroine, has clearly put a lot of thought into this...

「It’s more accurate to say parameters aren't reliable—or rather, there’s no way for us to check them, so there’s nothing we can do...」

Yeah, I guess so...

But wait?

「Hana-san, could you try saying 'Status Open!' or something?」

Nothing happened when I said it. Of course not. I’m a background character among background characters. A status set for me doesn't even exist in the game.

But at my words, Hana-chan looked down, as if she were avert-ing her gaze.

「...Embarrassingly enough, I did try saying it when I was a child...」

「Did a status window appear!?」

「...It didn't... No, it didn't! Of course it didn't!」

Is it a major "cringe" memory for her? Hana-chan was getting desperate.

「No, but maybe it was just because you were a child. Now that the game has actually started...」

「Do you really want me to say it that badly!?」

Yes. Because it would be funny if it actually appeared.

「Fine, I'll do it! Yes, I'll do it! Here goes nothing! 'Status Open!'」

Hana-chan spat the words out in a completely desperate tone—and then, something like a pink, rectangular holographic board appeared right in front of her.

「It appeared—!!!」

「Eeeh!? Why did it appear—!?」

We both screamed.

I scrambled out of my seat and circled around behind Hana-chan.

That pink thing really was a status window. It listed today’s date and Hana-chan’s profile. And as for the crucial Shop Rank section...

『Current Shop Rank: 』

『Current Reputation Rank: 』

「Nullpo...!!」

As the word slipped out, Hana-chan whispered back, 「Ga...」 Thank you, Hana-chan.

Wait, no!

「If it’s just going to spit out errors, isn't this status window itself useless...?」

I could only nod at Hana-chan’s words, which were exhaled with a sigh.

「Also... how do I get this to disappear...?」

「Come to think of it, I don't know how to close it... Since you opened it with 'Open,' wouldn't you close it with 'Close'?」

Hana-chan tried saying 「Status Close,」 but the window stayed open.

「It won't go away!?」

「Does this mean you’re destined to spend the rest of your life with a pink board in front of your eyes, Hana-san...」

「I hate that so much!!」

For the next few minutes, Hana-chan and I would struggle desperately to find a way to make the pink board disappear.

*****

Another Cultural Corner? Meme Corner? Whatever.

The missing parents weren't kidnapped; they were accidentally conscripted into a massive, televised reality-show quiz across the Rice Empire. Trans-America Ultra Quiz was a legendary Japanese show where contestants traveled from Japan to New York, getting eliminated via brutal quizzes at every stop.
More Trans-America Ultra Quiz references:

Win and it’s heaven, lose and it’s hell": The show’s actual catchphrase.
"Intelligence, physical strength, and the luck of the draw": The three requirements for a contestant.
The Mud/レイ (Leis): In the show, losers were often "punished" (e.g., getting dropped in mud), while winners moved on to tropical stops (like Guam) where they wore flower leis.
The "?" Necklace: The iconic badge worn by contestants during the "Checkline" rounds.
Tome-san: A reference to Tomeo Fukuzawa, the show's iconic, high-energy narrator known for his booming voice.

The "Eiken Grade 3 vs. 4" Rivalry, Ann feels superior because she has a Grade 3 certification, while Hana only has Grade 4.The Eiken is the most common English proficiency test in Japan. Grade 4 is roughly middle school beginner level, and Grade 3 is slightly higher (pre-intermediate). Despite their "qualifications," both women have a complete "English Allergy" and can't actually read a basic newspaper headline, showing how useless the school-focused testing system is in a real crisis.

The status window displays <Null>, and Ann instinctively shouts "Nullpo!!" to which Hana replies "Ga!!" This is the most famous meme from 2channel (Japan's equivalent to 4chan).

Nullpo: Short for NullPointerException (a coding error).
Ga: The sound effect of someone being hit.

On the internet, it was an unwritten law that if someone typed "Nullpo," someone else must reply "Ga" to "hit" them for the error. Their synchronized response confirms they are both "internet veterans" of the same era.

The "Showa Era" Handshake. Ann is relieved Hana isn't a "Late Heisei" (Gen Z) girl who got hit by a truck. Most modern "Isekai" stories involve a young girl dying in a traffic accident. Ann and Hana realize they are both "Old Ladies" from the Showa era. They bond over things a 16-year-old wouldn't know, like:

Candy Candy: The "freckled girl" anime.
Seiko vs. Akina: The two biggest rival pop idols of the 1980s.
Cover Glass/Balsam: References to 1980s science classroom experiments that every Japanese child of that era performed.

The Joke: Ann mentions they need a "robotic cat" to expand the store. A reference to Doraemon, who has a "4D Pocket" that allows him to put massive things inside small spaces. Hana’s shop is physically blocked by other buildings. Since they don't have Doraemon's "Four-Dimensional Apartment" gadget, the game logic of "the store gets bigger on the inside" is a physical impossibility.

Hana says women's friendships are more fragile than "cover glass." A cover glass is the microscopic slide cover that is notoriously thin and snaps if you even breathe on it too hard. Most people would say friendship is like "glass" or "ice," but these two are so deep into their "Showa Science Class" nostalgia that they use lab equipment to describe their social lives.

Hana is mortified to admit she tried to shout "Status Open" as a kid. The Punchline is It actually works now, but it's a "monkey's paw" wish: the window is glitched (Null) and she can't figure out how to turn it off, meaning she might have to walk around with a giant pink floating UI in her face forever.

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